So I've been skipping one class for the past 3-4 weeks. Throw in the 2 week Spring Break that we had, and I haven't even seen this professor in a month and a half. Factor in that I should have had an essay in to him last week, which I'm still putting off. I happened to be in my department on an unrelated quest and stopped by the men's room. Not more than 10 seconds after I'm unzipped, guess who walks in and takes the urinal right next to me? Yeah.
Man-code says that you have to stare at the wall and pretend that the other person doesn't exist, so that's what we did. He coughed. It said everything he was going to say, without breaking the barrier of man-code, while still preserving the awkwardness of the moment. And it was by far, the most awkward moment of my life.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Dear Onion News; A Submission
I give this unto you for your NHL section on the Onion. I think they should employ me.
Hockey World Confused by Banana
On September 22nd, a horrific incident marred the Detroit vs. Philadelphia game, when a fan threw a banana at the black player Wayne Simmonds during his shoot out attempt.
The League, as well as the town of London Ontario spoke out immediately against this racist action. Wayne Simmonds himself shrugged this off, saying that he's had to deal with these sorts of things his whole life.
The real problems ensued when one reporter asked Chris Pronger, the new captain of the Flyers, about what having the banana thrown at his teammate meant to him. "I don't know," he responded, flipping through webpages on his blackberry, "I just googled banana and nothing racist is showing up. No, wait, Urban Dictionary says it's for a person white on the inside and yellow on the outside. Are you sure that's racist?"
This caused a watershed of people admitting that they actually had no idea what having a banana thrown actually meant. "I was just doing it because I assumed it was something racist," said team president Ed Snider. "Everybody else was saying how it was terrible, so I just went along with it."
Gary Bettman, who originally reacted strongly to the incident, refused to comment when asked if he actually knew what a banana meant. When we visited his Phoenix offices, he did, however, mention that he refused to admit he was wrong, and then slammed the door shut in our faces.
Comments from around the league reflected this general confusion.
"Are you people doing a story that's not about me?" asked the league's media darling, Sidney Crosby.
"I still don't get it," said Phil Kessel, after reading the Urban Dictionary definition, who seemed excited to be asked for his opinion. "Are you sure this wasn't Ovechkin? This sounds like something he'd pull, not a racist thing."
"There's a black person on the flyers?" asked an incredulous Dan Byalsma, coach of the in-state rival Penguins. "Did they trade for Mike Grier or something?"
"Honestly, that sounds like an Asian slur, not a black slur," said Henrik Zetterberg of the opposing Wings during their post-game press conference.
The league's only Asian, Paul Kariya, was unavailable for comment.
Hockey World Confused by Banana
On September 22nd, a horrific incident marred the Detroit vs. Philadelphia game, when a fan threw a banana at the black player Wayne Simmonds during his shoot out attempt.
The League, as well as the town of London Ontario spoke out immediately against this racist action. Wayne Simmonds himself shrugged this off, saying that he's had to deal with these sorts of things his whole life.
The real problems ensued when one reporter asked Chris Pronger, the new captain of the Flyers, about what having the banana thrown at his teammate meant to him. "I don't know," he responded, flipping through webpages on his blackberry, "I just googled banana and nothing racist is showing up. No, wait, Urban Dictionary says it's for a person white on the inside and yellow on the outside. Are you sure that's racist?"
This caused a watershed of people admitting that they actually had no idea what having a banana thrown actually meant. "I was just doing it because I assumed it was something racist," said team president Ed Snider. "Everybody else was saying how it was terrible, so I just went along with it."
Gary Bettman, who originally reacted strongly to the incident, refused to comment when asked if he actually knew what a banana meant. When we visited his Phoenix offices, he did, however, mention that he refused to admit he was wrong, and then slammed the door shut in our faces.
Comments from around the league reflected this general confusion.
"Are you people doing a story that's not about me?" asked the league's media darling, Sidney Crosby.
"I still don't get it," said Phil Kessel, after reading the Urban Dictionary definition, who seemed excited to be asked for his opinion. "Are you sure this wasn't Ovechkin? This sounds like something he'd pull, not a racist thing."
"There's a black person on the flyers?" asked an incredulous Dan Byalsma, coach of the in-state rival Penguins. "Did they trade for Mike Grier or something?"
"Honestly, that sounds like an Asian slur, not a black slur," said Henrik Zetterberg of the opposing Wings during their post-game press conference.
The league's only Asian, Paul Kariya, was unavailable for comment.
Monday, September 26, 2011
My Cursing
I've been paying attention to when, where, and how I curse, just because a friend mentioned to me that I curse relatively frequently, albeit in slightly abnormal situations. Here's my unscientific account of my swearing for the past week;
(note, I take each swearword as the basis, rather than each instance. This means that strings of profanities, while isolated to a short span of time, take up a larger percentage)
2 words, 3.8%: Hockey
Example: "Goddammit Lu, gotta make that save."
Reasoning: This figure was up significantly during the Cup Final, but this week it was about finding out a player was injured or something along those lines.
7 words, 13.5%: Games
Example: "Egypt you son's of bitches, I will end you!"
Reasoning: God damned Egyptians stole my city in Civ 4.
8 words, 15.4%: School related
Example: "How the fuck did I get a D? Oh wait, that's good here."
Reasoning: D here down under means 'Distinction,' but sometimes it messes me up. It also included some swearing at deadlines.
13 words, 25%: Australia
Example: "Put on some god-damned shoes, fucking Aussies."
Reasoning: They look like assholes wearing flip flops around all the time.
22 words, 42.3%: Eggs
Example: "Fuck you you piece of shit bastard, don't you dare fucking break on me shit sucker!"
Reasoning: I get really upset when I accidentally break the yolk of an egg I'm trying to cook over easy. I like my eggs to be runny, dammit. Pretty much all 22 words came during two cases of eggs breaking.
Total, 52.
(note, I take each swearword as the basis, rather than each instance. This means that strings of profanities, while isolated to a short span of time, take up a larger percentage)
2 words, 3.8%: Hockey
Example: "Goddammit Lu, gotta make that save."
Reasoning: This figure was up significantly during the Cup Final, but this week it was about finding out a player was injured or something along those lines.
7 words, 13.5%: Games
Example: "Egypt you son's of bitches, I will end you!"
Reasoning: God damned Egyptians stole my city in Civ 4.
8 words, 15.4%: School related
Example: "How the fuck did I get a D? Oh wait, that's good here."
Reasoning: D here down under means 'Distinction,' but sometimes it messes me up. It also included some swearing at deadlines.
13 words, 25%: Australia
Example: "Put on some god-damned shoes, fucking Aussies."
Reasoning: They look like assholes wearing flip flops around all the time.
22 words, 42.3%: Eggs
Example: "Fuck you you piece of shit bastard, don't you dare fucking break on me shit sucker!"
Reasoning: I get really upset when I accidentally break the yolk of an egg I'm trying to cook over easy. I like my eggs to be runny, dammit. Pretty much all 22 words came during two cases of eggs breaking.
Total, 52.
Friday, September 23, 2011
God Exists... and he's a Misogynist
My first girlfriend converted me to Christianity. This was somewhat shocking for her, since she wasn't Christian and hadn't tried to do anything. In fact, she tried to convert me back, but the damage had been done. I'm not any more, but the revelation she provided me with sticks with me to this day, influencing my views on existence.
Let me back up a moment.
Her name was Melody, and she was a nihilist at the time. Not just any nihilist, but a world-hating, existence-is-pointless, the-universe-doesn't-give-a-fuck nihilist. I know, sounds like a real peach, but I was too so we got along pretty splendidly. We could hang around and hate the world together, throw rocks at the speed limit signs on the roads, steal her dad's cigarettes, and generally have a meaninglessly good time. I'm pretty sure her dad abused her. I just didn't get my xbox that year and got a little angstier than a normal 16 year old would get when he didn't get what he wanted.
As a nihilist, I believed very firmly in evolution since belief in the randomness of life is pretty much a keystone of that philosophy. Life, all life, is just a series of molecules that happened to come together in a way that replicated itself, and from there it grew and evolved through mutation. Eventually you get mankind, bears, sharks, emus, the flu bug, mosquitoes, and Samuel Beam. All freak chances of mutation to the basic, self-replicating genome, building up over time. There was no creator, there was no intelligent design, nothing helped us on our way except for some UV radiation and natural selection.
This, however, was proved conclusively incorrect to me by Melody. Because of her, I understood that there must be some sort of design behind it all, that life, as we know it, could not have been random.
This was because of her period.
At 16, I did not know very much about women, physically or mentally (I'm still figuring out that second one). Being world-hating buddies, we ended up messing around a bit, nothing really serious, depending who you ask. Anyway, we were in one of our make out sessions and I decided to grope a bit. She said no, she was on her period. I knew the basics of how to get a girl pregnant from sex ed class, but this was a foreign concept to me. She explained it to me, since the girls obviously had a different sex ed class more oriented to their gender-specific issues.
A few weeks later, it hit me.
How in the hell can this be an evolutionarily selected trait? What is it about bleeding because we didn't get pregnant that made mankind more likely to survive than our competitors? Where did this gene come from anyway? You don't see your dog walk around bleeding once a month because she didn't get her freak on. They don't close down the Chimpanzee exhibit at the zoo because their female is having her time of the month. No other life forms have this peculiar trait.
It convinced me that there must be some sort of intelligence that not only singled out mankind as separate from the rest of animal life, but also that whatever that intelligence is, it's a bit of a dick and hates women.
Let me back up a moment.
Her name was Melody, and she was a nihilist at the time. Not just any nihilist, but a world-hating, existence-is-pointless, the-universe-doesn't-give-a-fuck nihilist. I know, sounds like a real peach, but I was too so we got along pretty splendidly. We could hang around and hate the world together, throw rocks at the speed limit signs on the roads, steal her dad's cigarettes, and generally have a meaninglessly good time. I'm pretty sure her dad abused her. I just didn't get my xbox that year and got a little angstier than a normal 16 year old would get when he didn't get what he wanted.
As a nihilist, I believed very firmly in evolution since belief in the randomness of life is pretty much a keystone of that philosophy. Life, all life, is just a series of molecules that happened to come together in a way that replicated itself, and from there it grew and evolved through mutation. Eventually you get mankind, bears, sharks, emus, the flu bug, mosquitoes, and Samuel Beam. All freak chances of mutation to the basic, self-replicating genome, building up over time. There was no creator, there was no intelligent design, nothing helped us on our way except for some UV radiation and natural selection.
This, however, was proved conclusively incorrect to me by Melody. Because of her, I understood that there must be some sort of design behind it all, that life, as we know it, could not have been random.
This was because of her period.
At 16, I did not know very much about women, physically or mentally (I'm still figuring out that second one). Being world-hating buddies, we ended up messing around a bit, nothing really serious, depending who you ask. Anyway, we were in one of our make out sessions and I decided to grope a bit. She said no, she was on her period. I knew the basics of how to get a girl pregnant from sex ed class, but this was a foreign concept to me. She explained it to me, since the girls obviously had a different sex ed class more oriented to their gender-specific issues.
A few weeks later, it hit me.
How in the hell can this be an evolutionarily selected trait? What is it about bleeding because we didn't get pregnant that made mankind more likely to survive than our competitors? Where did this gene come from anyway? You don't see your dog walk around bleeding once a month because she didn't get her freak on. They don't close down the Chimpanzee exhibit at the zoo because their female is having her time of the month. No other life forms have this peculiar trait.
It convinced me that there must be some sort of intelligence that not only singled out mankind as separate from the rest of animal life, but also that whatever that intelligence is, it's a bit of a dick and hates women.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Women's Prisons
I heard recently from my friends (females, living together in a house share) that women living together frequently end up matching periods.
So what happens in women's prisons? Do 200+ convicts end up with PMS at the same time? What a nightmare.
So what happens in women's prisons? Do 200+ convicts end up with PMS at the same time? What a nightmare.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
BDSM Monopoly
My neighbors like to have very loud, rough sex. I know this because I can hear them.
This, in itself, is really something quite remarkable. These walls are concrete and metal and drywall and insulation all thrown together, you can't hear anything through the walls. They could have a cinema sized surround sound system over there playing music from The Haunted on full blast, and I probably wouldn't hear it over here, that's how good these walls are.
Yet, somehow, I can hear them having sex.
And it's not just the usual moans and groans that you'd expect from normal sexual activity. I hear things like, "HIT ME, YEAAAAAAAAH!" or, "SUCK ON IT BITCH, SUCK IT!"
Now I'm all for different strokes for different folks, and I'll admit that I've toyed with light bondage before (blindfolds, tied hands) and found it at least mildly interesting, and I wouldn't look down on these people just for their choice of sex acts.
What blows my mind is that I played Monopoly with these people.
Maybe I'm wrong in this, but in my mind, there is a distinct difference between that group of people which I imagine as being able playing an amicable game of Monopoly with friends, and that group of people who yell profanities at their significant other while wearing leather masks and having sex. These groups are so different, that I can't imagine them ever mixing. There's no overlap in their Venn Diagram. I've never heard of any Monopoly fetish before, nobody screams, "BANG ME LIKE A CHEAP MEDITERRANEAN AVENUE WHORE!" or "I'LL SHOW YOU MY BOARDWALK!"
And yet, those same neighbors who I swapped properties and joked about going to jail with are over there probably whipping each other.
I should probably learn something from this, like how to never judge people by appearances, or not to make assumptions, but honestly, I'm just afraid.
This, in itself, is really something quite remarkable. These walls are concrete and metal and drywall and insulation all thrown together, you can't hear anything through the walls. They could have a cinema sized surround sound system over there playing music from The Haunted on full blast, and I probably wouldn't hear it over here, that's how good these walls are.
Yet, somehow, I can hear them having sex.
And it's not just the usual moans and groans that you'd expect from normal sexual activity. I hear things like, "HIT ME, YEAAAAAAAAH!" or, "SUCK ON IT BITCH, SUCK IT!"
Now I'm all for different strokes for different folks, and I'll admit that I've toyed with light bondage before (blindfolds, tied hands) and found it at least mildly interesting, and I wouldn't look down on these people just for their choice of sex acts.
What blows my mind is that I played Monopoly with these people.
Maybe I'm wrong in this, but in my mind, there is a distinct difference between that group of people which I imagine as being able playing an amicable game of Monopoly with friends, and that group of people who yell profanities at their significant other while wearing leather masks and having sex. These groups are so different, that I can't imagine them ever mixing. There's no overlap in their Venn Diagram. I've never heard of any Monopoly fetish before, nobody screams, "BANG ME LIKE A CHEAP MEDITERRANEAN AVENUE WHORE!" or "I'LL SHOW YOU MY BOARDWALK!"
And yet, those same neighbors who I swapped properties and joked about going to jail with are over there probably whipping each other.
I should probably learn something from this, like how to never judge people by appearances, or not to make assumptions, but honestly, I'm just afraid.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Group Teeth-brushing
The worst part about communal bathrooms is having to brush your teeth next to some stranger. I was standing at the sink for 15 minutes this morning brushing the same spots over and over again because the other guy was doing the same thing. Neither of us wanted to admit that the other brushed their teeth more thoroughly. So we sat there, like idiots, brushing and brushing and brushing.
I won though.
I won though.
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