I've been paying attention to when, where, and how I curse, just because a friend mentioned to me that I curse relatively frequently, albeit in slightly abnormal situations. Here's my unscientific account of my swearing for the past week;
(note, I take each swearword as the basis, rather than each instance. This means that strings of profanities, while isolated to a short span of time, take up a larger percentage)
2 words, 3.8%: Hockey
Example: "Goddammit Lu, gotta make that save."
Reasoning: This figure was up significantly during the Cup Final, but this week it was about finding out a player was injured or something along those lines.
7 words, 13.5%: Games
Example: "Egypt you son's of bitches, I will end you!"
Reasoning: God damned Egyptians stole my city in Civ 4.
8 words, 15.4%: School related
Example: "How the fuck did I get a D? Oh wait, that's good here."
Reasoning: D here down under means 'Distinction,' but sometimes it messes me up. It also included some swearing at deadlines.
13 words, 25%: Australia
Example: "Put on some god-damned shoes, fucking Aussies."
Reasoning: They look like assholes wearing flip flops around all the time.
22 words, 42.3%: Eggs
Example: "Fuck you you piece of shit bastard, don't you dare fucking break on me shit sucker!"
Reasoning: I get really upset when I accidentally break the yolk of an egg I'm trying to cook over easy. I like my eggs to be runny, dammit. Pretty much all 22 words came during two cases of eggs breaking.
Total, 52.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
God Exists... and he's a Misogynist
My first girlfriend converted me to Christianity. This was somewhat shocking for her, since she wasn't Christian and hadn't tried to do anything. In fact, she tried to convert me back, but the damage had been done. I'm not any more, but the revelation she provided me with sticks with me to this day, influencing my views on existence.
Let me back up a moment.
Her name was Melody, and she was a nihilist at the time. Not just any nihilist, but a world-hating, existence-is-pointless, the-universe-doesn't-give-a-fuck nihilist. I know, sounds like a real peach, but I was too so we got along pretty splendidly. We could hang around and hate the world together, throw rocks at the speed limit signs on the roads, steal her dad's cigarettes, and generally have a meaninglessly good time. I'm pretty sure her dad abused her. I just didn't get my xbox that year and got a little angstier than a normal 16 year old would get when he didn't get what he wanted.
As a nihilist, I believed very firmly in evolution since belief in the randomness of life is pretty much a keystone of that philosophy. Life, all life, is just a series of molecules that happened to come together in a way that replicated itself, and from there it grew and evolved through mutation. Eventually you get mankind, bears, sharks, emus, the flu bug, mosquitoes, and Samuel Beam. All freak chances of mutation to the basic, self-replicating genome, building up over time. There was no creator, there was no intelligent design, nothing helped us on our way except for some UV radiation and natural selection.
This, however, was proved conclusively incorrect to me by Melody. Because of her, I understood that there must be some sort of design behind it all, that life, as we know it, could not have been random.
This was because of her period.
At 16, I did not know very much about women, physically or mentally (I'm still figuring out that second one). Being world-hating buddies, we ended up messing around a bit, nothing really serious, depending who you ask. Anyway, we were in one of our make out sessions and I decided to grope a bit. She said no, she was on her period. I knew the basics of how to get a girl pregnant from sex ed class, but this was a foreign concept to me. She explained it to me, since the girls obviously had a different sex ed class more oriented to their gender-specific issues.
A few weeks later, it hit me.
How in the hell can this be an evolutionarily selected trait? What is it about bleeding because we didn't get pregnant that made mankind more likely to survive than our competitors? Where did this gene come from anyway? You don't see your dog walk around bleeding once a month because she didn't get her freak on. They don't close down the Chimpanzee exhibit at the zoo because their female is having her time of the month. No other life forms have this peculiar trait.
It convinced me that there must be some sort of intelligence that not only singled out mankind as separate from the rest of animal life, but also that whatever that intelligence is, it's a bit of a dick and hates women.
Let me back up a moment.
Her name was Melody, and she was a nihilist at the time. Not just any nihilist, but a world-hating, existence-is-pointless, the-universe-doesn't-give-a-fuck nihilist. I know, sounds like a real peach, but I was too so we got along pretty splendidly. We could hang around and hate the world together, throw rocks at the speed limit signs on the roads, steal her dad's cigarettes, and generally have a meaninglessly good time. I'm pretty sure her dad abused her. I just didn't get my xbox that year and got a little angstier than a normal 16 year old would get when he didn't get what he wanted.
As a nihilist, I believed very firmly in evolution since belief in the randomness of life is pretty much a keystone of that philosophy. Life, all life, is just a series of molecules that happened to come together in a way that replicated itself, and from there it grew and evolved through mutation. Eventually you get mankind, bears, sharks, emus, the flu bug, mosquitoes, and Samuel Beam. All freak chances of mutation to the basic, self-replicating genome, building up over time. There was no creator, there was no intelligent design, nothing helped us on our way except for some UV radiation and natural selection.
This, however, was proved conclusively incorrect to me by Melody. Because of her, I understood that there must be some sort of design behind it all, that life, as we know it, could not have been random.
This was because of her period.
At 16, I did not know very much about women, physically or mentally (I'm still figuring out that second one). Being world-hating buddies, we ended up messing around a bit, nothing really serious, depending who you ask. Anyway, we were in one of our make out sessions and I decided to grope a bit. She said no, she was on her period. I knew the basics of how to get a girl pregnant from sex ed class, but this was a foreign concept to me. She explained it to me, since the girls obviously had a different sex ed class more oriented to their gender-specific issues.
A few weeks later, it hit me.
How in the hell can this be an evolutionarily selected trait? What is it about bleeding because we didn't get pregnant that made mankind more likely to survive than our competitors? Where did this gene come from anyway? You don't see your dog walk around bleeding once a month because she didn't get her freak on. They don't close down the Chimpanzee exhibit at the zoo because their female is having her time of the month. No other life forms have this peculiar trait.
It convinced me that there must be some sort of intelligence that not only singled out mankind as separate from the rest of animal life, but also that whatever that intelligence is, it's a bit of a dick and hates women.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Women's Prisons
I heard recently from my friends (females, living together in a house share) that women living together frequently end up matching periods.
So what happens in women's prisons? Do 200+ convicts end up with PMS at the same time? What a nightmare.
So what happens in women's prisons? Do 200+ convicts end up with PMS at the same time? What a nightmare.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
BDSM Monopoly
My neighbors like to have very loud, rough sex. I know this because I can hear them.
This, in itself, is really something quite remarkable. These walls are concrete and metal and drywall and insulation all thrown together, you can't hear anything through the walls. They could have a cinema sized surround sound system over there playing music from The Haunted on full blast, and I probably wouldn't hear it over here, that's how good these walls are.
Yet, somehow, I can hear them having sex.
And it's not just the usual moans and groans that you'd expect from normal sexual activity. I hear things like, "HIT ME, YEAAAAAAAAH!" or, "SUCK ON IT BITCH, SUCK IT!"
Now I'm all for different strokes for different folks, and I'll admit that I've toyed with light bondage before (blindfolds, tied hands) and found it at least mildly interesting, and I wouldn't look down on these people just for their choice of sex acts.
What blows my mind is that I played Monopoly with these people.
Maybe I'm wrong in this, but in my mind, there is a distinct difference between that group of people which I imagine as being able playing an amicable game of Monopoly with friends, and that group of people who yell profanities at their significant other while wearing leather masks and having sex. These groups are so different, that I can't imagine them ever mixing. There's no overlap in their Venn Diagram. I've never heard of any Monopoly fetish before, nobody screams, "BANG ME LIKE A CHEAP MEDITERRANEAN AVENUE WHORE!" or "I'LL SHOW YOU MY BOARDWALK!"
And yet, those same neighbors who I swapped properties and joked about going to jail with are over there probably whipping each other.
I should probably learn something from this, like how to never judge people by appearances, or not to make assumptions, but honestly, I'm just afraid.
This, in itself, is really something quite remarkable. These walls are concrete and metal and drywall and insulation all thrown together, you can't hear anything through the walls. They could have a cinema sized surround sound system over there playing music from The Haunted on full blast, and I probably wouldn't hear it over here, that's how good these walls are.
Yet, somehow, I can hear them having sex.
And it's not just the usual moans and groans that you'd expect from normal sexual activity. I hear things like, "HIT ME, YEAAAAAAAAH!" or, "SUCK ON IT BITCH, SUCK IT!"
Now I'm all for different strokes for different folks, and I'll admit that I've toyed with light bondage before (blindfolds, tied hands) and found it at least mildly interesting, and I wouldn't look down on these people just for their choice of sex acts.
What blows my mind is that I played Monopoly with these people.
Maybe I'm wrong in this, but in my mind, there is a distinct difference between that group of people which I imagine as being able playing an amicable game of Monopoly with friends, and that group of people who yell profanities at their significant other while wearing leather masks and having sex. These groups are so different, that I can't imagine them ever mixing. There's no overlap in their Venn Diagram. I've never heard of any Monopoly fetish before, nobody screams, "BANG ME LIKE A CHEAP MEDITERRANEAN AVENUE WHORE!" or "I'LL SHOW YOU MY BOARDWALK!"
And yet, those same neighbors who I swapped properties and joked about going to jail with are over there probably whipping each other.
I should probably learn something from this, like how to never judge people by appearances, or not to make assumptions, but honestly, I'm just afraid.
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